CITY ISLAND LINES
‘They don’t know that I have the F-ing key! I could trigger the F-ing alarm and lure them out, and then you could snatch ‘em!’
Vinny paced compulsively back and forth on Island Avenue. Wildly gesticulating, cars had to swerve to avoid his erratic path. Intermittently and unwittingly he clutched his crotch for emphasis. Vinny was bellowing at Robby, his business partner and best friend since kindergarten. Vinny’s vitriol continued to erupt into the oversized mobile phone that he maniacally clutched to one ear. After a few more minutes of ranting and scheming, Vinny decided to take matters into his own chubby hands. He angrily pocketed the phone and lumbered off toward the seafood restaurant's storeroom. With the aforementioned key, he quietly opened the large metal door, and with daintiness that belied his lumpy frame, he tiptoed between the stacked boxes and folded chairs. Honing in on a rustling snuffling sound near the back, he sidled ever closer until he spotted his prey: a scrawny specimen wearing an incongruously large baseball cap. Arming himself with a folded chair, he strode out into the open space and confronted the would-be thief. ‘What the ‘ell you doin’ here?’ he barked. ‘ I’m ‘onna call the PO-lice!’ The mousy intruder leapt sideways and squeaked, ‘Omigod! You scared me half to death! What are you doing here?!’ A little taken aback by the culprit’s familiarity, Vinny took a step away and craned his head forward. ‘Alvin?! What the ‘ell!?’ An awkward silence ensued. Finally, Vinny found his voice and a little bit of composure. ’Alvin, what are you doing in here?’ Alvin, now slightly less terrified but no less tense replied, ‘Well, uh… I know how much Maria likes oysters… she …like…thinks they’re…. uh… sexy… if you catch my drift…. And, well, Vinny, I was, like, thinking, like, to ask her… well, you know… like, if she wanted to get married.’ Alvin’s pasty face had flushed crimson, and he was staring at his feet, which shuffled frantically from side to side. Maria!? – What a piece of work she’d turned out to be! That was a chapter in his life that Vinny was trying hard to forget – only it was difficult, what with those alimony cheques every month. Then, like a magnificent sunrise after a tumultuous storm, an idea blossomed in Vinny’s mind. ‘Hey, man,’ he said conspiratorially. ‘I get where you’re coming from. I know how she is, and … I really want her to be happy… right?! So let’s you and me pack up these oysters, and… hey, here, have one of these special bottles of Spumante – really sets the mood- if you know what I mean!’ Here Vinny scrunched up one eye in an awkward and unappealing wink. Leery at first but desperate to escape the threatening bulk of Vinny, Alvin acquiesced and shimmied off with box and bottle in hand. Vinny watched the wiry little weasel scurry away. Then, smugly jangling his keys, he strutted back to the front of the restaurant. Under the canopy, he rang Robby again. ‘Nothing to worry about,’ he chuckled, ’Just a rat caught in a trap.’ With that, he entered the bar and poured himself a large glass of bourbon. It had turned into an F-ing great day after all. 23 Oct 2018
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